Been a while

Here are a couple things that I've written this year. 12-26-2012 I'm tired of being lonely. I wish that I had something, someway to not feel lonely. A best friend who I can always turn to. Someone I can talk to when needed. I'm tired of feeling alone, even when I'm in a crowd. I don't want to be alone anymore. Is this too much to ask for? Is it too much to want? To want to feel accepted and loved. To want to feel like I belong somewhere. To feel at peace. To not feel alone and empty. It's all I really want. Yes, I would love to be married and have children someday. But I know that it is at the stage in the game not likely. A dream that will not likely be filled. But even if I don't get married and have a family, I would still like at least someone I can turn to in time of need. Someone I can be there for them too. I'm tired of one way relationships. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one putting any effort into a friendship. I'm grateful for the friendships that I have had, but it feels like they have almost all slipped by the wayside as our lives have taken us different directions. Why can't I have a friend near by that when I'm feeling lost and alone I can call him/her and know that things are going to be okay? Or just cause for no reason do something with them? Or for no reason them just give me a hello? Why do I have to be so lonely all the time? If God really wanted me to return to him then why doesn't he help to provide me a husband? Isn't that one of the requirements to get to the top kingdom? Does He not want me there? I thought He wanted us all to return to Him. Did I do something that is unforgiving or forever punishible that I may never be married? Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be as old as I am and still not married. I hate being single. I can't even get a guy to notice me. Am I that ugly? Well, I think that I already know the answer to that question. I try to do all I can to live the gospel the best I can. But I feel I get nothing really from it. Yes, I love the gospel, and know it to be true. And if that is all I get from it, then I guess that's alright. It's all I really need. What I mean by that is that I have no doubt in my heart that it's true, and I continue to try my best, than if that is what my life is meant to be, than that's alright too. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12-27-2012 Well I'm feeling a little better than I was last night. But I'm still in a slump of loneliness that I can't seem to get out of. Which in itself is annoying. But still doing better than I was last night. I guess I'm just frustrated at work. I'm working with a flight attendant I can't stand! And I have to work with her next week too. I do still wish that I could get a guy to notice me. A guy to be interested in me, enough to ask me out on a date. I know that it's not likely to be in my future, but a girl can still wish and dream. I know that a relationship won't fix all my problems, and I don't expect them too. But I don't want to be alone anymore. That is one thing I'm looking forward to Lincoln coming, is that I won't be alone all the time. There will be challenges in his coming, but I'll have someone around for a while. I don't know why it's bothering me so. I'm alone almost all the time. I live on my own, and at work I don't share a hotel room. So why am I stuck in this emptiness and loneliness? God help me. Please. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1-4-2013 I feel like I've started to come out of my slump of loneliness, which is good. Yet falling into another slump of being forgetable. It seems I'm unrememberable to most people, friends, causal aquiatences, even to my own family. I'm the one who picks up the phone and calls people. They don't call me unless they're calling me back. And even then, the rarely do call back. I was really hoping this year would start off on a good note. But with the stress of work and now feeling forgetable doesn't help. And feeling that I'm unrememberable, makes me feel unimportant and that makes me feel lonely. Happy New Year to me. Not. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1-25-2013 Well I'm still a bawl baby. I cried over things that can't be changed. Things that happened a long time ago and one thing just a few years ago. I cried over the deaths of Joseph and Hryum Smith and Gordon B. Hinckley. Words cannot express my love and gratitude for these three men and how much they have entered and touched my heart. Oh how I love them! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2-1-2013 I just feel real lonely and empty right now. There is no reason for it. I just do. I want my mom. I want to be a mom. I know it will not likely ever to happen. Maybe I should kneel down and pray tonight. I made the goal this year to do it every night and I haven't been doing a good job on that. I just wish I wasn't so alone right now. I don't want to be alone right now. I don't get why I feel so blue. Like I said there is no reason for it. I watched the end of Joseph Smith: The Prophet of the Restoration movie which like always made me cry and I've been glum ever since. Hopefully it doesn't last. Maybe I'm just tired. I don't know what I am. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 2-6-2013 Is knowing something the same as believing something? For example I know Christ died, rose again and that He lives. But does knowing that also mean I believe that? I want to say yes it does. But then again if I question it, does it mean I don't. If I don't believe or am unsure I believe, does that mean I don't know? If the answer is yes, then does that mean all that I thought I knew, I don't? The question remains. Do I believe what I know? Yes, I believe Christ lives. I believe the gospel is true. I believe the scriptures are true. I believe God hears and answers me. I believe and know these things to be true. But yet, this brings up another question. Do I trust and have faith in these things? Do I trust God will hear and answer me? And if I don't, then how can I truly believe it? It all goes back to, do I believe? I know I said yes I do. And deep down I believe the answer is the same. But if I believe, truely and honestly believe, then why do I question and doubt so much? Am I doing something wrong? Am I lacking on faith and trust? How do I find the answers to these questions? What am I to do, if what I do is not enough? * Do I believe in Jesus Christ? Yes. * Do I believe in Heavenly Father? Yes. * Do I believe they hear and answer me? I don't fully know. So I guess I change my earlier answer. No, I don't know if I believe they hear and answer me. but my answer remains the same yes for the others. So what do I do to gain a stronger testimony? Search, ponder and pray. Things that I really need to work on. Things I've struggled with my whole life. Do you believe that God hears and answers your prayers? I believe He may answer some prayers, but not all prayers. At least that is the way it feels sometimes. So you trust and have faith that God will answer your prayers? Not always. There I said it. There is an answer to my problem. Do you believe in Christ and Heavenly Father? Yes, without a doubt or hesitation I do. Do you have faith and trust in Christ and Heavenly Father? I try to. And there is another answer to my problem. How can expect blessings from them, id I don't trust or have faith in them? How can I expect God to do His part, if I don't do mine? Then again how can I say that I believe in them, if I'm unsure of my faith and trust in them? I'm so lost and confused. I'm every which way. For example, first I say yes, then after thinking about it I say I'm unsure. So which is it? It should be easy and simple, right? The questions are clear. Why aren't the answers? Do I believe that Heavenly Father sent His only begotten son Jesus Christ to earth to live among men? Yes. Do I believe Christ was perfect and did His Father's will? Yes. Do I believe He suffered and died on the cross? Yes. Do I believe He rose again? Yes. Do I believe that He lives still? Yes. If I believe these things, why do I doubt and question them? Do I believe Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me and are there for me? Not always. There we go again, part of the problem. Do I want to believe these things that I question? Without a shadow of a doubt I do. So I believe God is real? Yes. Then why am I lacking faith in Him? Why am I lacking trust in Him? I'm trying to live the gospel the best I know how. Bit it feels like it's not good enough. Or that I'm doing something wrong. I know I'm not perfect. I do make mistakes. But still I try to apply the gospel in my daily life. I'm trying to be who I can become. I do try to be more Christ-like in my daily life as well.