One Stupid Question

Short story I wrote on real events. Names have been changed.

Paul was everything to me. He was everything I could ever dream of and I loved and cared for him deeply. However, I was never in love with him. Paul was my best friend. Now I’d be lying if I said I never wondered or thought about him in a somewhat romantic way, cause there were a few times that I did.
But deep down I knew that Paul and I would never be. And I’ll never forget the day that our relationship changed cause of one stupid question.
I met Paul at church shortly after I moved cross country for a job. He was the first one to take me under his wing so to speak. I thought that he was nice, but very weird. Truth, I didn’t think our personalities meshed very well. But I was new and wanted a friend.
Before I knew it I had developed a crush on Paul. My parents and best friend at the time, Caddie, were the ones to tell me. I, of course told them they were wrong. Bur I found myself looking at Paul in a different light.
More and more I wanted to get close to him. I wanted to know him better. I wanted to be around him more. But Paul did not share my desire. He seemed content just the way things were.
I think I knew then that my desire was foolishness, and my hope died when I found out that he had a girlfriend. So I decided to move on. I got to know other members of the congregation and became friends with them, both male and female.
But all along I still wanted to become better friends with Paul. We talked about getting together and hanging out, but he always found a way out or cancelled. I felt that he thought I wasn’t worth his time.
It was also at this time I started to become friends with another guy from church named Marc. I tried hard to fight against any feelings beyond friend for Marc. After my experience with Paul, I knew that any guy here was out of my league. That I could really hope for was just to be a friend. But, the battle against liking Marc more than a friend, I lost.
And soon the desire I had for Paul shifted to March. Both great and amazing guys. And I respected and admired both more than I could possible put into words, even still today.
I began to notice a change in my relationship with Paul, once I had moved onto Marc. We were more relaxed and carefree with each other. Others noticed it too as I began to hear the wonders is Paul and I were more than just friends. The idea of us as a couple made Paul and I laugh.
But wasn’t that what I wanted? The more I thought about it the more I realized that the answer was no. I was becoming closer to him now that I no longer felt any other feelings for him. And that was what I wanted. I wanted to be closer to him.
Paul and I denied any whispers of us in a relationship with each other. We hadn’t even really hung out outside of church.
My second Christmas I was unable to go home, so Paul invited me to spend it with his family. As nervous as I was, I was glad to have somewhere to go. His family was great and I had a really good time.
I was starting to feel like I belonged as that Christmas a few other friends including March sent well wishes to me. I became less lonely and homesick and began to feel that I had a family here. I felt loved and loved them in return. It was a feeling I hadn’t felt beyond my own family in a long time if ever.
As time went on my feelings for Marc grew stronger and stronger. And I hated myself for them cause I knew that nothing would ever come of it.
And as time went on Paul and I finally found a way to hang and get to know each other better, which I enjoyed. Paul was such a goofball. My whole body hurt when I was around him from laughing so much. And that has always been something I loved about him. No matter what he could chase the gray clouds away and make me smile.
Marc was hard not to fall in love with. Though not the most attractive guy in the world he was a gentle soul and sweet spirit. And was also very charming. My own mother caught the Marc bug after just a few moments with him.
Marc just had that heir about him. That when he looked at you, no one else mattered. When you talked with him, every word was important to him. There was nothing I didn’t love about Marc. But one that I loved more than his charm and the way his eyes sparkled when he smiled, was his friendship.
I found Marc to be a great blessing in my life. And as much as I wished it to be more, it was nothing other than that. But Marc is a blessing, I have no regrets over him. A blessing I would never wish away.
When the day came that I told Marc how I felt I was heart broken. Marc confirmed what I already knew. And Paul was there to help pick up the pieces. After my slight fall out with Marc, I began to spend more time with Paul. And when Marc and I began to regain our friendship, I knew it was time for me to really and truly move on.
I’d miss this new home I’d found. But a lot had changed. several friends had moved away or gotten married and I was starting to feel the only one I had to turn to was Paul.
So I packed up, put in for a transfer and moved cross country again. But before I left Paul gave me a goodbye party in which Marc was invited at my request and came. No matter the heartache I felt when things didn’t pan out with Marc, I still considered him a friend and didn’t want to leave things on bad terms.
After I moved I missed Paul. I missed Marc. I missed all I left behind. But I felt I needed to make that step in life. Maybe I did. Though I’m unsure I would have gone through with it if I’d known the outcome.
The outcome being bitterness and loneliness. I don’t know if I’d ever felt so alone in my life. It was a difficult and stormy three years. And the loneliness and bitterness ate me up. I shut myself off and closed everyone out just as I thought they had me.
I had made no real friends and the ones I thought I had, pretty much shut me out once they got married. More and more I began to miss my old life. And… I missed Paul.
Paul seemed to be doing alright. Not that I thought he wouldn’t be. Or that I had any right to think he wouldn’t be. He had another girlfriend now and I would tease him about them getting married and such.
Then he didn’t answer his phone or call me back. Which I new that meant something was wrong. Then I got a message from him, I called him back and he confirmed my fear. He and his girlfriend, Louise, had broke up.
Paul was never one to ask anything of me. But this time he did. He wanted me to come out to see him. So I did. While out there I toyed with the idea in my head about he and I. But decided against it. Right then, Paul needed a friend, not a girlfriend.
I had a good visit. Though I will say that it brought much heartache to me to see Paul hurt like that.
Marc came over one day to visit, he brought his fiance to meet me. Surprisingly I wasn’t all that jealous. I was happy for them and I knew that she was getting a great guy.
When Marc got married I went. I didn’t tell him I was coming and he seemed happy to see me. Of that I was glad. I was glad I went. I felt I needed to. I needed to put some kind of closure on my past feelings for him. And seeing him married wasn’t all that hard. I wished and wanted nothing but the best for him. And I could see from his now wife that was exactly what he was getting.
At the end of my stormy three years I decided I needed to a change. I needed to keep moving forward in life instead of the backward traveling I ‘d been doing. I needed a new start. Somewhere where I could leave the anger, loneliness and bitterness behind.
So once again, I packed up, put in for a transfer and moved cross country. In my heart I new I was making the right choice.
Before I moved Paul and I talked often on the phone and for long hours. And I once again found myself thinking of him in another light. But once I loved things didn’t change with Paul. I’m not sure if I wanted them to. But at the same time I found myself confused about my feelings for him.
Then came that fateful night. The one that would haunt me for days. I asked Paul the one stupid question. That one question would change our relationship., and for a long time I regretted asking it.
I asked Paul why in his own words, did he and I never get together like everyone thought we were or should be?
Then came the heart breaking truth. To Paul I was not attractive and could stand to lose some weight. Though the words fat and ugly he said as a joke, the still stung as if he really meant them.
To him I was just a friend. I hung up the phone telling myself that I was okay with his answer. And for the most part I was. Much of his reasoning I felt the same on my part.
I was still hurt by the words fat and ugly. Much of my life I would look into a mirror and tell myself that very thing. While now I had worked hard and tried not to think that way. But his words echoed in my head for days.
A few weeks later Paul told me that he didn’t think I was ugly, but also said he wouldn’t say I was pretty. I’m no beauty queen, this I know. But I tried to think of myself as pretty. And here someone I trusted, trusted with my heart was telling me I wasn’t.



There's a little more that I'll add later.

Nice to know

It's so nice to know that when I need to talk to someone or have someone I can turn to there's no one there. I can't turn to my parents cause they just blow me off especially my mom. And I haven't really made any friends here yet. Plus, I'd rather not talk to them about my life. I've found I'm a lot better off if I'm a closed book instead of the open one I've always been. That way I don't get hurt so much.

2012

So far 2012 is going well, but I don't want to jinx anything so I'll leave it at that. I haven't been up to a whole lot. I've been busy with work which is nice for the paycheck. I'm planning on possibly going to Ireland in a couple of months. Nothing set in stone on that end yet though.