Everything for a reason.....right?

I hate to sound like a downer, yet again, but life has made a turn, not sure the better or the worse. The jist of it is for the last six months I have been having problems with my hip, and it got to be a problem at work where they didn't feel I was safe or fit to fly so they had one of their doctors check me out and was found unfit and unsafe to continiue working on a plane. So my flight attendent days are over. My company gave me 30 days (from Wednesday) to either find another position in the company or resign. Not sure what Im going to do yet. Thankfully until I make my decision or time runs out (which either one comes first) they have alowed me to stay on and do light duty (office work). I have thought about possibly moving back home and going to school. I've looked into jobs in other businesses in different places. I just need to really weigh the pros and cons with each thing and pray about it before making any decision. I did start to think I needed a change in my life but this wasn't the way I planned on it happening. I wasn't completely ready for my flight attendent career to be over but it is. Everything for a reason....right?

Northeast Trip

For my second vacation this year my dad and brother Allen flew into Charlotte and on Monday (July 15th) we drove, I refused to fly. We drove up to the Palmyra NY area. On the 16th we wandered around Palmyra including the Sacred Grove and went to the Hill Cumorah Padget. I had a great time. Then on the 17th we drove over to Niagra Falls and then over to the Kirtland OH area. Then yesterday we rumped around Kirtland and then drove back down to Charlotte. Today is my brother Brandon's birthday so we're driving down to Atlanta for his birthday.

Feeling down.

And a little frustrated. I've been in Charlotte almost two years and no one to hang out with, tell my troubles to or them tell me their troubles. No one to be interested in or interested in me. Just hopeless. I'm going to die someday when I'm old all alone and blue. I read about all my other friends getting married and having children and while I'm happy for them I'm jealous too. Cause it's a joy I'll never know.

Flying Standby Part 2

Well I did get out of Dallas but got stuck overnight in L.A.. I finally made it to Salt Lake on Thursday morning but just barely. Now I'm tryingto fly back home to Charlotte. I opted to take the redeye but still had to come early cause my parents had to catch an earlier flight. Grandpa's birthday and the reuion was fine. I'm glad I came.

Flying Standby

Flying standby sucks! I so don't want to fly to Rochester next month. I'd rather drive. I've been trying to get to Utah for the last 12 1/2 hours and only got as far as Dallas. And I really don't want to get stuck here tonight. I don't want to get stuck anywhere. But if I have to get stuck somewhere I'd rather it be Phoenix. I said it before and I will say it again sometimes flying standby really sucks!

Sharing is hard

Lincoln has a work truck that is for work only. So we share my car. He wanted to car this week so that means he had to drop me off at the airport at 6 am. I don't have to be at work until 5:30 pm. So now I have to spend 11 freaking hours at the airport. I'm tired and bored. I wish I hadn't agreed to him having my car. Sometimes sharing the car is really hard.

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Draggin Through

There really isn't a lot to report on. Things with Lincoln being here are going well. Really well with him. A part of me may be a little jealous. I've been here in Charlotte for a year and a half and still struggle to feel like I fit in and belong. Links is here just under three months and already has a good set of friends and feels like he belongs. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for him and it's what I wanted for him. But it's a little frustrating that I've been here as long as I have been and don't feel like I can call anyone really a friend. Their just Sunday/church friends. The only place that I have ever felt like I belonged and was happy was Virginia. I should have never left. It's a regret that I'll live with for the rest of my life. I loved my time in Virginia and life was wonderful up there. I can't say that it would feel the same way now if I were to move up there now cause so much as changed since I lived there. But had I never left and gone through the changes while still there I can still see myself being happy up there. I'm not 100% happy right now in life. And while I'm not ready to make any big life desicions or changes yet, there are things that I'm starting to think about. I've been a flight attendant for about 7 1/2 years now and while I've set the goal to do it for two more years (then I'll have ten years under my belt) I'm not sure I really want to do it that much longer. I still enjoy what I do, but more often than not I wish I was doing something else. What? I don't know. I'm not trained in anything else nor do I have the education to do anything else. I have thought about going back to school, but at 28 I almost feel too old to go back to school. And I have no idea what I'd study. I like living in Charlotte and have no plans to leave it any time soon. I just wish life was different. I wish life had a different plan for me. I still at times find myself wondering how life would be different if things had ever worked out between my best friend and I. We get along so well and easily and care for and love each other greatly. And no one can make me laugh like he can. But there are no romantic feelings on either side. That and he's called me fat and ugly. Though I don't think all that much of myself I feel I deserve someone who doesn't see me that way, or at least would never say it to me. I've got to stop watching the movie Les Miserables. It's funny cause at first I hated the movie and now I enjoy it a lot. Gotta love Hugh Jackman!

Don't want another heartach

There is a guy that I'm trying hard not to like. It's hard cause he's so sweet, funny and kind. He reminds me of another guy that I used to really really like. And that guy gave me the biggest heartach of my life. With this new guy I don't want another heartach, so that is why I'm trying not to like him. I'm scared of what liking him could mean. I'm scared of what liking him could do. Why can't I just be happy being friends? Why does my heart have to get in the way? I don't want things to change completely. But it would be nice if he at least acted like he liked me more than a friend. But he doesn't, and I really don't want to tread the ground of another broken heart.

Not much

is happening in my world until this weekend coming up. My little brother will be living in my living room until at least May, then we'll see. He comes in on Friday.

Been a while

Here are a couple things that I've written this year. 12-26-2012 I'm tired of being lonely. I wish that I had something, someway to not feel lonely. A best friend who I can always turn to. Someone I can talk to when needed. I'm tired of feeling alone, even when I'm in a crowd. I don't want to be alone anymore. Is this too much to ask for? Is it too much to want? To want to feel accepted and loved. To want to feel like I belong somewhere. To feel at peace. To not feel alone and empty. It's all I really want. Yes, I would love to be married and have children someday. But I know that it is at the stage in the game not likely. A dream that will not likely be filled. But even if I don't get married and have a family, I would still like at least someone I can turn to in time of need. Someone I can be there for them too. I'm tired of one way relationships. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one putting any effort into a friendship. I'm grateful for the friendships that I have had, but it feels like they have almost all slipped by the wayside as our lives have taken us different directions. Why can't I have a friend near by that when I'm feeling lost and alone I can call him/her and know that things are going to be okay? Or just cause for no reason do something with them? Or for no reason them just give me a hello? Why do I have to be so lonely all the time? If God really wanted me to return to him then why doesn't he help to provide me a husband? Isn't that one of the requirements to get to the top kingdom? Does He not want me there? I thought He wanted us all to return to Him. Did I do something that is unforgiving or forever punishible that I may never be married? Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be as old as I am and still not married. I hate being single. I can't even get a guy to notice me. Am I that ugly? Well, I think that I already know the answer to that question. I try to do all I can to live the gospel the best I can. But I feel I get nothing really from it. Yes, I love the gospel, and know it to be true. And if that is all I get from it, then I guess that's alright. It's all I really need. What I mean by that is that I have no doubt in my heart that it's true, and I continue to try my best, than if that is what my life is meant to be, than that's alright too. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12-27-2012 Well I'm feeling a little better than I was last night. But I'm still in a slump of loneliness that I can't seem to get out of. Which in itself is annoying. But still doing better than I was last night. I guess I'm just frustrated at work. I'm working with a flight attendant I can't stand! And I have to work with her next week too. I do still wish that I could get a guy to notice me. A guy to be interested in me, enough to ask me out on a date. I know that it's not likely to be in my future, but a girl can still wish and dream. I know that a relationship won't fix all my problems, and I don't expect them too. But I don't want to be alone anymore. That is one thing I'm looking forward to Lincoln coming, is that I won't be alone all the time. There will be challenges in his coming, but I'll have someone around for a while. I don't know why it's bothering me so. I'm alone almost all the time. I live on my own, and at work I don't share a hotel room. So why am I stuck in this emptiness and loneliness? God help me. Please. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1-4-2013 I feel like I've started to come out of my slump of loneliness, which is good. Yet falling into another slump of being forgetable. It seems I'm unrememberable to most people, friends, causal aquiatences, even to my own family. I'm the one who picks up the phone and calls people. They don't call me unless they're calling me back. And even then, the rarely do call back. I was really hoping this year would start off on a good note. But with the stress of work and now feeling forgetable doesn't help. And feeling that I'm unrememberable, makes me feel unimportant and that makes me feel lonely. Happy New Year to me. Not. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1-25-2013 Well I'm still a bawl baby. I cried over things that can't be changed. Things that happened a long time ago and one thing just a few years ago. I cried over the deaths of Joseph and Hryum Smith and Gordon B. Hinckley. Words cannot express my love and gratitude for these three men and how much they have entered and touched my heart. Oh how I love them! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2-1-2013 I just feel real lonely and empty right now. There is no reason for it. I just do. I want my mom. I want to be a mom. I know it will not likely ever to happen. Maybe I should kneel down and pray tonight. I made the goal this year to do it every night and I haven't been doing a good job on that. I just wish I wasn't so alone right now. I don't want to be alone right now. I don't get why I feel so blue. Like I said there is no reason for it. I watched the end of Joseph Smith: The Prophet of the Restoration movie which like always made me cry and I've been glum ever since. Hopefully it doesn't last. Maybe I'm just tired. I don't know what I am. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 2-6-2013 Is knowing something the same as believing something? For example I know Christ died, rose again and that He lives. But does knowing that also mean I believe that? I want to say yes it does. But then again if I question it, does it mean I don't. If I don't believe or am unsure I believe, does that mean I don't know? If the answer is yes, then does that mean all that I thought I knew, I don't? The question remains. Do I believe what I know? Yes, I believe Christ lives. I believe the gospel is true. I believe the scriptures are true. I believe God hears and answers me. I believe and know these things to be true. But yet, this brings up another question. Do I trust and have faith in these things? Do I trust God will hear and answer me? And if I don't, then how can I truly believe it? It all goes back to, do I believe? I know I said yes I do. And deep down I believe the answer is the same. But if I believe, truely and honestly believe, then why do I question and doubt so much? Am I doing something wrong? Am I lacking on faith and trust? How do I find the answers to these questions? What am I to do, if what I do is not enough? * Do I believe in Jesus Christ? Yes. * Do I believe in Heavenly Father? Yes. * Do I believe they hear and answer me? I don't fully know. So I guess I change my earlier answer. No, I don't know if I believe they hear and answer me. but my answer remains the same yes for the others. So what do I do to gain a stronger testimony? Search, ponder and pray. Things that I really need to work on. Things I've struggled with my whole life. Do you believe that God hears and answers your prayers? I believe He may answer some prayers, but not all prayers. At least that is the way it feels sometimes. So you trust and have faith that God will answer your prayers? Not always. There I said it. There is an answer to my problem. Do you believe in Christ and Heavenly Father? Yes, without a doubt or hesitation I do. Do you have faith and trust in Christ and Heavenly Father? I try to. And there is another answer to my problem. How can expect blessings from them, id I don't trust or have faith in them? How can I expect God to do His part, if I don't do mine? Then again how can I say that I believe in them, if I'm unsure of my faith and trust in them? I'm so lost and confused. I'm every which way. For example, first I say yes, then after thinking about it I say I'm unsure. So which is it? It should be easy and simple, right? The questions are clear. Why aren't the answers? Do I believe that Heavenly Father sent His only begotten son Jesus Christ to earth to live among men? Yes. Do I believe Christ was perfect and did His Father's will? Yes. Do I believe He suffered and died on the cross? Yes. Do I believe He rose again? Yes. Do I believe that He lives still? Yes. If I believe these things, why do I doubt and question them? Do I believe Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me and are there for me? Not always. There we go again, part of the problem. Do I want to believe these things that I question? Without a shadow of a doubt I do. So I believe God is real? Yes. Then why am I lacking faith in Him? Why am I lacking trust in Him? I'm trying to live the gospel the best I know how. Bit it feels like it's not good enough. Or that I'm doing something wrong. I know I'm not perfect. I do make mistakes. But still I try to apply the gospel in my daily life. I'm trying to be who I can become. I do try to be more Christ-like in my daily life as well.